WENATCHEE, WA July 21 2024

The Joepacolypse has occurred. Joe Biden will not run for re-election as POTUS. After substantial pressure from House and Senate Democrats like Nancy Pelosi to resign, he went and did the thing Sunday announcing his withdrawal.

What’s next then for the Democratic elite? Who can they prop up before the August convention and unify around post convention, bringing in enough donations and exposure to combat the Trump Machine? Your Intrepid Reporter breaks down for you the possible candidates, and their likelihood of gaining the parties nomination.

Vice President Kamala Harris

Harris is the presumptive nominee. She’s done pretty much all you can ask from a VEEP- stayed out of the way and helped run the POTUS agenda. Didn’t cause any major fuck ups. But the last time she ran in 2020’s primaries, she did not get a lot of votes. Not a lot of heat here. Former Prosecutor who most of us don’t really know much about. Aside from what I just wrote I could not tell you one real thing about her. Also she’s a woman. NO fucking way we are electing a woman.

ODDS: 1 in 2

Secretary Pete Buttigieg

Petey was born in Indiana, so he’s got that midwestern street cred. FR FR. He’s basically a progressive JD Vance and Pence rolled into one. He’s been the Mayor of South Bend IN, his hometown, and served as the Secretary of Transportation in the Biden administration. But is America ready for an openly gay Commander in Chief? Considering 4/5’s of the Supreme Court and the Republican Nominee want to rescind Gay Marriage, I’m going to go with NO.

ODDS: 1 in 5

Gov. Gretchen Whitmer of Michigan

Are you getting strong “Selina Meyer” vibes off this lady? I am getting REALLY strong “Selina Meyer” vibes off this lady:

I have no Idea if “Gretch” is a good governor, or a bad one. I would never go to Michigan, even if money were offered. She has already denied wanting to run, which means she abso-fucking-lutely wants to run. I can’t elect anyone who shares a state with Kid Rock.

ODDS: 1 in 6

Gov. Gavin Newsom of California

Liberal stalwart from the great state of California. And there is never ANY trouble in California. No sir-eee. Always smooth sailing. Rich white guys have it so damn easy. This guy will probably flop into the 2028 nomination anyway.

ODDS: 1 in 9

Hunter Biden

Hear me out. American’s love our political dynasties. For Christ sake, it goes all the way back to the 1700s with the Adams- John Quincy and his dad John. The Roosevelts. The Kennedys. The Bush, Bushes? Whatever. He even kind of gives you a George W. Bush vibe doesn’t he? Fuck up son, laughingly follows in the patriarch’s footsteps. He knows a lot about emails and computers. Good relations with Ukraine. Can do Crack and drink like a fish and still gets shit done.

ODDS: 1 in 100,000

Hilary Rodham Clinton

Naw. I’m just fucking with you.

George Clooney

The liberal super donor and Nescafé aficionado. Why the hell not? We did a LOT worse the last time we elected an actor to POTUS. This guy’s wife is legit smart, and not famous for fellatio around the backlot. And he’s not a fucking trickle down economics loving, poor people hating, evangelical nut. Time to put your mouth where your money has been George.

ODDS: 1 in 500,000

So yeah. Not a hell of a lot of great options here. Not like anyone who was going to vote for Biden wouldn’t vote for one of these or a slew of any others. I guess the only thing we get really as a bi-product of this situation is- If Biden can’t win cause he’s an old fart, neither can Bernie Sanders. Oh, where have you gone Beto O’Rourke. A nation turns its lonely eyes to you, Woo-woo-woo.

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